It changed how I felt about her for a long time. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. And sometimes the answer is well but if they respond that way theyre not your friends anyway, but we interact with a lot of people who are not our friends but who are important to our lives (coworkers, for example, or in-laws) and yet who can levy that cost. why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. Are you busy? "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. Shampooing the grass. 3. Doing great, what are you doing here? I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. Wow is all I got. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) 1. He sometimes vocally wonders why other teams and departments will go out of their way to help me with things but not him, and its because I respond to their small talk rather than shutting it down and gently rebuff social overtures rather than saying No, I dont want to get to know you better or similar. 101 Funny And Witty Responses To The Question "How Are You?" I think it goes back to the same annoyng assumption there are people who assume your time is theirs. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. Indoor Cat says feeling unsafe would have been the most damaging to her relationships with her parents long term. I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) I Hope You. I have only one person who does this, my widowed FIL, and it irritates me no end. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. Its tiring. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. person: cool yep It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. Okay, there is something a bit screwy with this guy. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. There are still traces of that damage; Im still mad about it. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. Me: Fine, thanks. You wonder where he'll take you. Me: Nope. Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. Dont ask each of us the same question. Now shes supposed to go on a date with me if I ask for one!. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. Could be specific to where I am, though. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. There were SO many helpful suggestions in here. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. LWs parent. My Kid: No (shuts door) "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. This is probably part of why I am frustrated by this conversation, because by most conventional social norms, you are actually doing nothing wrong. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. Even if its only logistically. We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. I am eating. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. 76 Best Replies and Answers to How Are You Doing? - Trending Us It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. And if I do want to see her, then I just tell her something freed up in my schedule and ask if shes available or if theres anything she wants to do. But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. Your turn to tell me what you have in mind!. It feels invasive what I do on my weekends is my business. In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. Its setting off the Gift of Fear sirens in my head. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). Especially not in NYC, where housing is so tight, and especially when she doesnt have a job.). Me: Nope. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? But sometimes its manipulative, as LW also said. Were having a party. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. This applies in other areas of life too. None of us see each other over weekends. When I am planning an event I usually offer a description of what I have planned first and then we move to scheduling but most of that is done in social media or by e-mail these days. That sounds weird coming from you. Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. Why? I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. Be polite. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. #2 is a good point. Best of luck to you, dear LW! Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. But dont try to play us off against each other. So I think it makes sense to feel that threatening eviction / charging rent could be harmful. Funny Responses to Compliments Everyone Can Use Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Im white. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Tucker Carlson: Merrick Garland Is Persecuting Christians; Are You I shall think on why. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. Like now? Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. Now, when someone asks, I reply, Im not sure what Ill be in the mood for. If someone responds with an offer of plans, I can then say, Nice! Although I have one co-worker who apparently does laundry on weekdays sometimes. heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. And its hard to argue with. 18. (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. [I often go in around lunch time.] That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. Why is receiving an invite considered such a stressor and its ok not to get back to the person. Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. Seriously, both she and my sister are true extroverts, bless them, which is why I use the term hyper-social weirdos to describe them. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. Him: Doing anything else? (Like, Im the kind of introvert who is good with people but I know a few who are just exhausting and who drain my battery super quickly), Could you have a conversation with her about, Were gonna have to schedule when all of our kids are walking to school. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! good response to "What are you up to tonight?" - reddit It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. I understand how it can be othering and I never ask anyone where theyre from first. How should I respond? Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? 3. 100 Funny and Witty Replies to Rude Comments - PairedLife I like why do you ask? as a pre-programmed autoresponse, because it leaves room for them to stay, just wondering if you have fun plans, or making conversation.. Published: August 09, 2021. The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. If someone asked why I was asking such a nosy question, I would apology-barf all over them, then call my wife, my mother, and my best friend and ask them what I was supposed to do instead. Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. If someone just says yeah that tells me theyre not actually that interested. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. I would say something like:"what have you done with yours so that i can learn what to do or avoid.". I really thought that an invitation was going to come later. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. its differential equations, 2. @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. Totally fair and perfectly polite. Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. "See, I will finally make you smile.". I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. Yep, my wife and I too. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. 3. Im trying to train her out of the habit. Thats a great answer! Assholes. If they want to invite me to something Im interested in and available for, I can say yes, and if its something I cant do, I can say I have other plans, etc without it sounding weird. So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. And then if its something I dont want to do BUT its a person I dont want to discourage, I can say, That sounds like youll have fun! Should I keep doing what Im doing? Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. I feel like letting her sleep is far more important than my social life right now., Sorry, I know it sounds like a stupid excuse. Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! People of just about any accent can turn up just about anywhere and be from there. What are you doing this weekend? Sorry about that! Why does it need taking care of?? I didnt feel like talking to her much for several months. But *I* am entitled to enact some of that fallout myselfits not all about her, shes not the only one who gets to be offended and feel pushed around, etc. Not blond but like superwhite. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). Making conversions . I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? @IndoorCatI appreciate your comments. My vote is toss her out and let her adult. Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). If I were any better, I'd be you. One thing to add if youre not in the headspace to perform happy (thanks for putting it so well, @Mookie), taking it day by day is also a cliched but handy phrase. . And part of why Im asking is because maybe you just havent thought about it in those terms. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. Thanks, I woke up like this. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. Michael Wiley on Twitter: "RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be How Do You Respond to "Hope You Had a Good Weekend"? Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that!